I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
