why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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