I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
