Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
