Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
