Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
and you fell through a lawn chair
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just puked most of my soul out..
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