It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He felt like a one man threesome
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
