A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
