Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
