My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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