I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
