Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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