i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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