Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
my poor anus
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
