She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
