his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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