The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
