I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
