We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
