she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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