Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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