u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
