So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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