you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
