i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Who wears a wallet chain?!
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
