I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
