Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
