totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
