If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
