I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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