We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
