Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
