i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize