his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
