you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
