We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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