then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
