I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
