oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
