True but thats because hes a fetus.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
