i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
