apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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