You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
