Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
