we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
