My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
