my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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