My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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