Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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