Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
