Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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