there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
