i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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