Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
