just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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