Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
